Walker photo dump *birth-2 months*

I want to do this every month, but since I have been MIA for the last 8 weeks this one will be a little overwhelming! From birth to 8 weeks, here are some of my  favorite photos of my boy <3

How crunchy are you?

So over the last 8 weeks I have discovered that I am way more "crunchy" of a mom then I thought I would be.

I never really gave the idea of being "crunchy" a chance. It was just something that never crossed my mind. Since having Walker/being pregnant, Ben and I have changed a lot of the things we thought we would be as parents.

A few examples:
-I never wanted to make Walker's food, now I plan on doing it plus making them organic.
-I wasn't interested in baby wearing, I now own 2 carriers and wear as often as possible.
-Attachment parenting for the win!
-I thought we would use the cry it out method, I now find it cruel.
-I'm considering extended breastfeeding.
-I breastfeed on demand
-I want to encapsulate my placenta next pregnancy.

That's just the last 8 weeks really. I can't imagine how much for crunchy I may become! I truly love reading about it as well (if your a crunchy momma list any good books you know!)

I have made these choices for my family because I feel that they are what is best for them. There are aspects of what is considered "crunchy" that we don't practice. I will list a few of those as well.

-We aren't cosleeping. I don't feel that I personally can safely co sleep. Walker sleeps in his rock n' play next to our bed though. He is within reach at all times.
-We are vaccinating, though I say that with a grain of salt. I have chosen to fully vaccinate at this point in time. My conscience tells me that this is the right thing to do for my son.
-We chose to have Walker circumcised (I will make a post about this later)

Those are really the BIG ones that we have gone against. In all honesty though I think that parenting is technique not a method. You can take a little from this and a little from that and develop your own technique. Parenting is hard regardless of how you do it. In the end, us mothers just need to pat ourselves on the back. We deserve to feel confident in our parenting choices. What works for me, might not work for my friends (another post for later).

At the end of the day, give yourself a glass of wine and a congratulations. You are doing a wonderful job.

The catch up game!

I am so ready to start blogging about my mommy life! I have missed blogging quite a lot over the past 8 weeks and I have so much to catch everyone up on!

Walker will be 2 months old on Sunday! I can't believe how quickly he has grown. I will be doing monthly posts on that for sure. We also started cloth diapering yesterday (love it so far!) and I have begun to do my research on Attachment parenting. I am very enthusiastic about it and have just began my reading on the topic so i'm sure there will be posts about that!

I have fallen into the role of stay at home mom. For as much as I love this time with my boy, I am very excited to begin working next fall. I am looking into adoption agencies hoping to find a job within that part of my field.

Ben and I have had a rocky start to parenthood. We stopped communicating when Walker was born and have since resulted in a lot of tension in our relationship. We are working through it. I have become incredibly sensitive and take everything he says as an attack. I know that the blame isn't entirely on me, but that is something I need to begin working on. I have to remember that I am a better mommy when I am a good wife.

Ben and I are going to start working out together! I want to lose 50 pounds this year and as my new years resolution I want to work out 3x a week. I am hoping to start a weekly check in with myself to hold myself accountable! My friends and I are also participating in the color run again in April, but this time we want to run it! I start training for that the first of January as well.

Ryder has taken to Walker for the most part. He isn't entirely happy about his arrival, but he doesn't hate him either. I figure within time they will grow to love each other.

Thats about it! I swear I'm jumping back on the wagon and promise at least a post a week! Here's some of Walker's newborn pictures since I never posted them!

Walker's birth (part 2)

It felt like an eternity for the anesthesiologist to arrive. Looking back I know it was only about 30 minutes, but in my head it was hours. Before going into the hospital, I was terrified of getting an epidural. I couldn't imagine letting someone stick a needle in my back.  They kicked out Ben, my sister, and Cally. They don't allow anyone in the room with you when you get an epidural. When it actually came time to get it, I slept through most of it. I was so tired I couldn't hold my eyes open. It took about 15 minutes for the medicine to kick in and then Walker's heartbeat dropped.

The nurse stuck an oxogen mask on me and pulled me on my side. His heart rate still wouldn't come up. She stuck a monitor on his head by going through my cervix, he pulled it off repeatedly. I have never felt so terrible in my life and if I'm being honest I still feel like a terrible parent. I bawled because I realized that it was my fault he was in distress. When Ben came back in, he could tell something was wrong. They finally stabilized his heart rate, but I had to stay on my side for the rest of my labor experience. The nurse also gave me a catheter which is something I never want to experience again.

For the next 3 hours I slept. At 5am the nurse came in and said that my midwife wanted to start me on pitocin (at this point I was a 9). Before they started the drip, she took my temperature. It was 99.9. My water had been broken since 2am the previous day and a fever is a sign of an infection. She got me some tylenol to combat the fever, but she dropped the c-section word. She told me that once I hit 24 hours they would have to c-section me, so I quickly realized that I needed to get Walker out now. At 9am, one of the machines in my room started beeping repeatedly. I just laid there waiting for a nurse and finally I called for one. The beeping machine, I quickly learned, was my epidural. My epidural was running out. Within 5 minutes of the nurse leaving to call the anesthesiologist my contractions came back full force. Now, this is the cruelest thing to do to someone. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. After what felt like forever, I was given a new epidural bag and a shot of some sort of local anesthetic to take the edge off.

As soon as the pain melted away again (around 9:30am) my midwife showed up! I was so happy to see her! She checked me and said I was complete and while it may be best to wait awhile because he was still pretty high up, I could start pushing whenever I felt pressure. I decided to wait a bit and rest up. I had very little sleep in the past 20 hours. I knew I needed an hour of rest or so more, but my body had other plans. Soon after my midwife left to go see other patients, I started to feel intense pressure. I couldn't even begin to explain how painful it was. I called for my midwife and by 10:30 she was there and I was all prep to push. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed. I wish I could remember every second of that time. I know there was a lot of pain. I know Ben was running from behind the doctor back up to my side to tell me how much he loved me and how strong I was. I remember asking for water. I also remember the ring of fire (the crude term for crowning). Finally, I remember my midwife asking me if I wanted to deliver my son and in that split second I reached down and pulled him to my chest.

He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I instantly started crying, while he remained silent and just stared straight into my eyes. I can't explain how it feels to become a mother, but that moment was worth everything. I loved him with everything I had. Walker Michael was born at 11:00am exactly on October 29th, 2013. While my birth wasn't exactly how I planned it, my son was perfect and that was the most important thing.

Walker's birth story (part 1)

Whew! Sorry it has taken me so long to get through this. I never expected having a newborn who does nothing but sleep all day to take up so much time!

We went in on October 27th at midnight to be induced. My blood pressure was continually rising and I was in the prehypertension stage. Even though I was really against induction, I knew that the most important thing was having a healthy baby and keeping myself healthy. We went in at midnight with the plan being 1) to start cytotec every 4 hours to help ripen my cervix, 2) Monday morning (10/28) my midwife would break my water, 3) I would progress into labor naturally without needing pitocin. If you have read my other posts, you know that my plan was always to have a natural birth.

The cytotec was administered every 4 hours through out Monday morning with the last dose given orally. My cervix did not react. I had a few minor contractions and chilled with my family in the delivery room all Monday morning. Finally at 2pm my midwife decided to break my water. I was 2 cm dilated. I remember thinking that he was never going to come, in fact my midwife jokingly threw around the phrase "cervix of steel" a few times.

Now what they don't tell you is that once they break your water, shit gets real. This is the moment I would say labor started for real. I went from having minor contractions to having "holy S&%! I think my uterus is going to fall out" contractions. I started out in the bed gripping the hand rails and groaning (why is it that women in labor fixate on a noise? I have no idea but it sure did help at the time!). Ben was a fantastic birth partner. He continuously reminded me to breath. He was also amazing at telling me how strong I was and how much he loved me.

Things progressed slowly. I was checked every 4ish hours just to be told I had made little to no progress. I tried the birth ball, walking, sitting, swaying with holding on to Ben, a shower, and kneeling on the bed. Nothing and I mean nothing was helping. I did everything I had been taught in my Bradley classes to do. I was getting seriously discouraged. When I hit 5 cm around 9PM Monday night, I gave in to IV drugs.

I will NEVER get IV drugs again during labor. I felt drunk. I couldn't concentrate on anything happening around me and I could still feel every contraction. It was terrible. I actually ended up getting them twice hoping they would help the second time around again, in which I was terribly terribly wrong.

After I came out of my second round of IV drugs, I was in the transition part of labor. Since I had called for the IV drugs, my body never had a chance to prepare for how much more difficult labor had become. At this point it was around 12 PM, I swayed with Ben for the next two hours, making a "shhh" sound. This seemed to help the pain at the time. I was feeling incredible pressure around 1 AM Tuesday morning and I had my nurse check me (who by the way was amazing. I was so lucky to have such an amazing nurse who supported my birth plan 100%). I was only 8 cm dilated. I continued my swaying in hopes to progress further. At 2 AM the pressure was still there, I was sure I was almost at a 10. I had her check me again, I was still at an 8. At this point I knew I needed to throw in the towel. My body was no longer progressing (I had been at an 8 for 4 hours at this point). I knew what I needed to do and I need to stop fighting it. I called for an epidural.