Choices

I need a venting post. 

Since the moment I discovered I was pregnant, I have thought about grad school. 

In the ideal world, my baby will sleep all the way through the night and allow me to study whenever I need to but I'm fairly sure I will not have the dream world child. I need to seriously think about the option of holding off on grad school for a year. Originally I thought TTC would take a bit longer and while I hoped and prayed for an early BFP (Thank you God) I figured, logically, that time was in my favor. I applied to grad school assuming I wouldn't get pregnant for months to come.

Well, God proved that he doesn't go by my ideas or assumptions. I have never been good at quitting and while taking a year off isn't quitting technically, I have this thought in my head of "What if I never go back?" But I have to go back. My grad school program is only a year. In all honesty, I could really use a break from school since I haven't taken a break since I was 5 years old (if you want to count kindergarden). I feel like the logical answer in this situation is: take a break from school. 

This shouldn't be so hard, but every time I think yes I will take a break from school I start to feel like a failure. I can;t quit like that. I can push through and be a mom and a grad student all at the same time (haha funny thought right?) I can work a 40 hour internship and still be the mom that I want to be right? Wrong. My baby deserves my attention for that first year. We need to bond and by bond I don't mean over textbooks while I'm breastfeeding her/him. I need to accept that going to school with a 1 year old will be easier than going to school with a newborn. I will have my masters degree by 25 and still be in the field I want to be in. I can work part time while pregnant and just take a break from the school stressors. I wish this decision was something my brain would just accept, but it has continually gone back over this option. 

I am now going to leave inspirational quotes because I need them.